quoting the worst of fanfiction since 1992

“Now will you fix me?” Oliver said impatiently. Hal thought for a moment. He looked from his ring in one head, and the cut out of Green Arrow in the other. “Hal, buddy…?” Hal swapped Oliver in his hands and held him between his ring as he slid it back into his finger. The lantern uniform returned and nothing happened. “What’s going on?” Hal rubbed his chin with his free hand.
“I’m not sure. Guess the energy squashed ya…”
“Hal. Please, fix me.” Hal created a bicycle pump with his ring.
“What are you doing Hal?” The pump turned into a mangle.
“Weighing my options…” Hal said with a smirk.”

Chris: 

Holly: And this is it

“Gotcha!” Hal cried at last tapping his meaty pointer finger down on it. Sliding it towards him Hal tried to pick it up. His fingers smothered the ring. He tried sliding it onto one of fingers, but he only knocked it onto the floor. He picked up and tried again this time with his pinky finger. “Come on!” Hal put the ring in his left palm and pushed his right pointer down on it. At last Hal felt the flab on his finger squash as the ring slipped on, the ring then slid down his finger all by itself, expanding to fit his finger. Hal smiled through his chubby cheeks, which quickly deflated back to normal. Hal shrank a little as a flash of green light left him lying on the floor in front of the door, back to his normal self. Hal took his ring off and as his civilian clothes appeared, his gut softened a bit. “Okay Ollie. You were right. I’ll cut back on the chicken…” Hal stood up and looked around. His apartment was empty. “Ollie?” He looked down at the sofa, Oliver was still folded over and part why under. Hal grabbed him by the head and he unfolded as he lifted him up.”

Chris: So apparently green arrow is made of paper. Sounds legit.

Holly:

I don’t even know anymore

“Peachy.” Oliver sarcastically said as loudly as he could. “I’m no better than a piece of paper right now.” Oliver wasn’t sure Hal heard him as he could hear grunting as the fat lantern tried to stand up again. He didn’t hear only thumps, at first, but they were much smaller than he expected, so Hal must have been walking. The vibrations in each step grew louder. Oliver could make out Hal’s immense silhouette as he past. One footstep caused him to fold over so he was now facing his chest, he could see the outlines of his muscles even though they were lacking dimensions. Hal in the meantime was step away from his ring. Hal smiled as he reached for it. Bending down on one knee Hal stretched his chunky arms as far as he could. His fingers brushed the ring but it didn’t move. Hal went down onto his hip, but even on his side he had difficulty reaching the tiny ring.”

Chris:

Holly:

“I’d kill me too.” Hal agreed and lifted him higher. Oliver’s legs appeared to stop just past the knees. “so he had both feet flat on the ground then…” Hal thought to himself. He didn’t smile knowing Oliver had passed finding humor in their situation. “Can you move?” Oliver said nothing.
“I would have smacked you if I could. And you’re starting to sweat where you’re holding…” Oliver slipped out of Hal’s giant sweaty fingers and fluttered onto Hal’s quad before sliding off and landing in a doubled up mass on the floor. “How long am I going to stay like this?”
“Until I can find my ring and force it onto my finger…” Hal stressed out as he tried to stand.
“Hal. Look for it first.” Oliver called as Hal’s leg almost smothered him. The bloated Lantern slunk down the wall and looked. The space wasn’t big. Hal spotted the ring, it was in front of the door. Breathing deeply, Hal tried standing up again. He got onto his feet, before stepping on Oliver and falling face first into the floor. Ollie meanwhile was sent into the air and floated across the room and his legs slid under the sofa as he landed.
“Ollie?” Called Hal. “You alright?” Chris: you know honest to god i have only the faintest clue what is going on
Holly: me either
Chris: hal is fat and ollie is flying everyfuckingplace
Holly: and I’m scared
Chris: what the hell. This fanfic is like a trainwreck that you can’t help but watch, except you don’t know what it’s doing. Like, it’s doing things, but you just can’t comprehend what.

“Ollie…” Hal grunted. “Get the ring…” Hal looked up as best he could, but couldn’t see Oliver anywhere. Hal waited for a moment but he didn’t see Oliver’s legs, or hear any footsteps. “Ollie?” Hal looked around, Oliver was nowhere in sight. Suddenly, he felt something in his chest. Hal pushed down with his hands the best he could and slowly forced himself up. After a few seconds his arms gave out and he slammed onto the floor, his body wobbling all over. Pushing on his right arm and leg, Hal rolled over. Hitting the wall he was able to sit up. He felt exhausted after resting his back against the wall. He felt the feeling in his chest again but he also heard a muffled sound come from it. Hal looked down as best he could. On his puffy chest was Oliver, who was the exact opposite of him. Oliver was flat as a pancake. Hal gasped and grabbed at Ollie with his flabby fingers. At last he tore The Heroic Bowman off his chest like a sticker. Ollie had a shocked look on his face, mouth and eyes wide open, his left arm looked longer as he had used it to try and balance himself when Hal fell on him while his right had been covered by his hand and rested on his chest. “Oliver? Say something…”
“I’ll kill you.” Oliver forced out. He couldn’t muster much more than a whisper.”

Chris:

Holly:

“But you won’t. Besides what’s to stop you from just getting fat again?” Hal laughed as his stomach rumbled, imagining himself becoming bloated after eating the rest of the chicken. Then he used slammed his massive form on Ollie. His ring begun to glow and his body started shaking. Hal’s muscles seemed to start melting.
“HAL!” Oliver cried out in panic. He grabbed Hal’s ring hand, which was as big as his head now, and tried to pull the ring off. He lost his grip as Hal’s hand softened into blubber. The powerful arms became dough, which spread quickly like running water to Hal’s hands, which also became chubby. It was the same for Hal’s legs. The feet in his suit went from a pointy pentagon shape to rounded rectangle. Hal’s washboard like gut exploded into a large pillow, as did his Pecs, which became like saggy bags. Hal yelped in horror at what was happening to him. He belched loudly as his tight butt became voluminous. In one last burst, Hal gained a layer of fat around his neck, which pushed all his new body fat down his form, the strain on his fingers forced the ring off his finger. Which hit Oliver hit the chest and whizzed past Hal’s head. Hal stepped to go after it but he over balanced and fell. He hit the floor with a loud thud which shook the whole building. After landing Hal was shuffled onto his gut. The fat on the back of his neck prevented him from looking up and his chin fat rested on his scrunched up chest. Hal grumbled as he raised his arms up, looking like a giant seal that hadn’t moved in day.” Chris: nooooooooooooooo
 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“The ring Ollie!” Boasted Hal. His voice a pitch or two deeper. “The energy’s powered me up so I could take the ring off if I wanted to and I’d still be like this!” Hal spun around, clenching his massive buttocks in Oliver’s face. Oliver took a step back. He didn’t want to look but can’t look away… He finally cleared his throat when Hal spun back around. Very smug about himself as he and Hal had lost track of time. “Jealous Ollie?”
“No. I’ll just go to the drug store and get my own Green Lantern ring quick fix.” Oliver grumped.” You’re losing weight the hard way.” Hal dropped his arms and hunched over.
“Come on Ollie… Don’t be a tool.” Oliver just crossed his arms and frowned. “Alright… fine.” Hal leaned forward with his arm in front of him. “Just give me a feel first.” Oliver groaned and the muscle in Hal’s arm a poke. It felt hard and very much like what he expected a muscle to be. He poked again, this time he thought he was touching a telephone pole. “Can’t tell the difference can you?” Oliver took his finger off and crossed his arms. “You know I can just squash you right?”

Chris:

Holly:

“I could easily get more…” He stood up as his ring glowed brightly. Oliver watched in awe as Hal seem to get taller, his chest seemed to stretch out and his legs grew thicker. Oliver rubbed his eyes, he wasn’t seeing things. Hal was growing, in muscle. The flab in gut sucked itself in, turning into solid abs under Hal’s uniform. Hal smirked as his pecs grew more noticeable as well. Both almost the size of the table. His arms swelled like balloons too, his legs the same. Hal stopped growing with his head inches from the roof. Hal stood twice his normal size, his suit spraining under the stress of all the new muscles it contained. Oliver could only blink as he looked his friend over.
“How’d… How?”

Chris:

Holly:

“Almost every photo and clip showed some superhero either eating something or had obviously had been thrown at them. Ending on Superman standing between Metallo and an ice cream truck. “I wouldn’t be surprised if our old buddy Luthor was behind this somehow.” Oliver turned to Hal. “And you stuffing your face with deep fried chicken isn’t helping!” Hal could only slink in his chair and look at his gut glumly.
“Alright… I’ll cut back on the wings.” He said slowly.
“Good” Oliver said grapping one of the wings at the bottom of the bucket. “We’ll turn that flab into more muscle in no time!” Hal looked up and smirked.”

Chris: HEROS HAVE TERRIBLE EATING HABITS
IT MUST BE ONE OF LEX LUTHOR’S WILY SCHEMES

Holly: Luthor makes schemes on terrible eating habits

and that’s terrible.